I need to learn how to accept what life gives me as a challenge to get better, to succeed. Not as something to drag me down to the depths of self hatred, and unwanted emotions and memories.
For some reason lately, every time that I do something that God doesn't want me to do, I just feel like my heart is being wrenched out of my broken soul....my heart is/was the only thing that is/was keeping me going. But, I'm tired of feeling gut-wrenching torment as I learn, grow, "succeed", and then fall even harder to temptation (this is how it always happens).
For some reason, I miss the numbness I used to have. The dull throb that engulfed my entire being, that kept me from feeling any emotion. I was able to walk through those four years of my life, without feeling any shame for what I had done, or was doing.
They called me goth because of my dead smile.
I was empty.
I had allowed myself to become a broken and cracked shell of a body, shattering even more with every blow that came my way from life.
I tried to hide. I tried to blend in with all of the other lost members of the soulless society that I had undeniably joined.
The only difference between me and everyone else, was that they were seeking for help from a higher power, no matter what that power was. They searched endlessly for someone or something to help them out of the black hole around them.
I didn't seek, I didn't search. I was comfortable in my misery. I felt no need to seek for help. I had put myself there, and that's where I wanted to stay. I was fine with being dead inside; never seeing life around me, never feeling any emotion. You could have stabbed me through the heart, and I wouldn't have felt a thing. Because I had no heart.
My friends that I had acquainted myself within that dark pit, thought me crazy for choosing to feel nothing. They told me that the life that I had before, was something that they always dreamed of having. What they didn't understand, was how hard it was feeling everything and anything constantly. It was just too much. I was sick of it. If I was able to give them my past life, I would have done so in a heart beat. I would have loved to sit there in my misery, alone, never being bothered, being able to close my eyes, and deeply sleep away the eternities. Forever.
But, things were not to be. I was rudely disrupted from my dreamless slumber. Being shaken awake, it seemed, by life itself. I was drug out of that hole that I had learned to call home, to a very bright, loud, and overwhelming world that I had learned to tune out and forget.
For the first time, it seemed, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to see how beautiful and intriguing the world really was. I was amazed. The last time I had allowed myself to see the world, I had only seen sadness, anguish, and pain. But as I looked around me, I started to see smiles...laughter...
true happiness.
Something that I could never see myself ever being able to enjoy. Ever.
But I wanted to at least try to feel some part of it.
I started searching for happiness. I looked high and low, through every nook and cranny. I looked for it in other people, so I could attach myself to them, in hopes that I could feel at least a little bit of what they were feeling.
But, as the days, weeks, months and years wore on, I still had not found it. Then I realized something:
True happiness comes from within.
How could I ever feel true happiness then? Especially after everything that I had done? I hated myself with a passion that was beyond anything I had ever imagined.
After a while, I gave up trying to find happiness for myself. Instead, I chose to follow the path of trying to let others feel what I could never feel. Soon, I had given myself a nickname that stood out from any other name I had given myself:
People Pleaser
The one thing that I had promised myself in my misery, that I would NEVER become, I had just become. I was now my arch enemy.
I tried every way to destroy myself. I couldn't live with the arch enemy within me. Everyday was a constant battle within myself to find a way to get rid of everything I had become.
But alas, the temptations of everything I had gotten myself into, proved to strong a force to keep at bay. I let them overwhelm my being.
I fell.
Again.
But this time, I made myself crawl back out of the hole I had dug for myself, and made myself trudge onward. Thinking that I would get somewhere this time.
I fought hard to fight back those evil forces that tried to overtake my life. I was gaining strength constantly from continuously being at war. The temptations somehow started to seduce me back into bondage one seduction at a time.
I started falling yet again. But those forces knew that I would not budge on some of the walls that I had built. So they gave up on those fortresses, and started tearing down the weaker walls that I had just started building. They came with a force mightier than anything that I had ever seen.
Slowly, I started welcoming my old habits back into my life.
To this day. I am weak. I am falling back into that pit that is now even deeper than before. I want my numbness back so I don't have to feel anything. I know right from wrong now. I am willing to keep on moving forward, but without emotion.
I would be unbeatable, because I would know what was right, and my emotions wouldn't be able to get the best of me. No one, could stand in my way.
But first, I have to climb back out of that bottomless pit, in which I keep falling. I am searching for something to grab onto, so I can stop falling, and start making it back up to the surface.
But until then, I am falling. It is so hard to remember why I need to keep fighting.
So hard...
